Senja

Secercah cahaya di waktu senja

Sinari nirwana yang slalu gulita

Mau kulepas layang-layang 

hingga hilang ditelan awan

Agar lalu dapat hela nafas lega

yang kadang tertahan hingga terlelap

Tapi rasa takut pegang erat-erat

Terus lekatkan

Buat tak dapat jauh walau sejengkal

I know

I know

It is not because you repulse me

that you want me to go.

It is not because you can’t stand me

that you stay away.

And I know

It is not because you don’t care

that you hurt me so.

And I know it deep in my heart,

forever in my soul,

always on my mind.

That you can shun me out.

That you can turn your back on me.

That you can kiss me goodbye a thousand time.

But you – not even you

can ever tell my heart to stop loving you.

For it will never know how.

A Reminiscence of The Past

It started just like any other Monday morning. Sara woke up at 6 a.m. Drifted back to reality by the sound of her radio. She gathered herself up and headed to the bathroom. It did not strike her right away what day it was, until the radio announcer mentioned the date.
Ah, it was her 34th birthday today.
She smiled and prepared herself to go to her office while the radio was playing an old song.

As Sara started her car engine, she realized she was humming the song.
Something about the song reminded her of her hometown. Suddenly she could remember her parents’ house there, the kids that used to play along with her and even the smell of the wet grass after the rain.

At the intersection she stopped her car. Some teenagers were walking in front of her car, crossing the street. She took a glimpse at them and remembered when she was still at their age, in her hometown.
One of the boys reminded her of Terry.
A beautiful girl was walking beside him.
They really looked like a sweet couple. Perfect for each other.
The boy looked like he was upset with something and the girl was comforting him.
Any fool would know right away that she adored that boy.
Out of the blue, Sara felt a pang on her stomach.
That song was playing again in her head.
Why is that?

“Hey, lady…! Are you going to move your car anytime soon?”
“Yeah, not everyone has all the time in the world!”
Sara snapped out of her imagination. She was oblivious that the light had turned green and that now she was causing a traffic jam.
“Sorry…!!!”
That was all she could muster to say and then she immediately drove her car away.

Now she remembered Terry. Dear Terry. Her so-called best friend. She remembered his laugh, his goofy haircut, his annoying remarks, his eyeglasses and everything about him.

She remembered how they used to do almost everything together. She remembered when they were out camping together with their classmates. That night, one of their classmates was doing a prank on them. Sara was terrified and had nowhere to go. Terry rescued and comforted her. And that night, she was falling for him.
From that night on, Terry was not just a friend for her.
It was not long until Sara realized one problem: He did not seem to be sharing the same feeling.

Everyone and even every book seemed to be telling her to express her love, to take risks, to open up her heart. But none of those people or those books knew what her true fear was.
It was not the fear of being rejected that she feared the most.
Terry was her best friend. Her rock. The one thing that could put a smile on her face every morning (even though ‘that one thing’ did not smile back at her). To add it up, it was obvious for her that Terry would never return her feelings. He was happy without her as his girlfriend. He was happy to have Sara just as a friend.
There were times when Sara did want to express her feelings in many ways. But then she got terrified of being pushed away or losing their friendship.
So, like most women, Sara finally thought that she would be happy as long as Terry was happy.
And Sara did the only thing she knew. She concealed her true feelings in hope that her feelings would someday subside. But they never did.

As time went by, it became harder for Sara to cope with her feelings. Especially when soon after they entered the same college, Terry introduced her to his so called love-of-his-life: Maura. Terry bragged about Maura most of the time that sometimes it was too unbearable for Sara. She would smile and listened to Terry’s stories attentively in the afternoon, and cried herself to bed every night. Having a raccoon eyes in the morning seemed like a fashion statement for Sara those days.

But it was not until Terry said to Sara that he was going to introduce her to his friend that Sara thought she had enough.
“What is your problem, Sara?”
Terry said in confusion. He did not understand what he had done wrong.
“Heath is a nice guy. It’s not like I’m introducing you to a jerk or anything?!”
“I told you! Why do you think that you need to hook me up with some guy!? That is ridiculous! Absurd!”
Sara snapped.
Terry did not know how to react.
“Well, I did that because I care about you…”
He finally said, helplessly.
“Well then…”
Sara said as she walked toward the door. Tears were gathering in her eyes. Her lips were trembling.
“Stop caring too much.”

Terry never tried to introduce Sara to his friends again after that.
They never spoke of that incident, even after they graduated from the university.
As years gone by, Terry and Sara got separated. They got jobs at different cities, yet still maintain their friendship by phone, email and a little reunion once in awhile. Well, at least Sara did. Because Terry was busy most of the time.
Once, Sara even called Terry for hours when he realized that Maura was not the love-of-his-love after all.
Too bad he realized that just days before Maura’s wedding. With Terry’s best friend, Heath.

Entering her office, Sara said her ‘good-morning’ greetings to everyone and rushed to her seat.
Her best friend-Annie, quickly gave her a hug and whispered her ‘a happy birthday’. She smiled and thanked her.
At her desk she looked up to her calendar and thought one more time about Terry.
They were older now. Wiser. Could Terry return her feelings now? Sara wondered. Would he look at her different now? Is there a chance for them to be together now, after all these years?

What if? Could we? Would he? Bla bla bla.
After all those years, she felt butterflies in her stomach again.
And all the questions on her head only make her heart beat even faster.
Is it because it was her birthday today?
Or is it because of that old song?
She was not sure.
At the end, she finally decided to convey her feelings to him.
But first, she must call him and ask to see him.

Sara felt her palms were sweaty as she dialed Terry’s number.
Annie was humming softly at her desk.
It was that song again!
‘It might be a premonition from God!’
She said to herself.
Maybe it was God’s way of saying: Now or never Sara!
Sara giggled nervously at the thought.

Ring. Wait a minute. Sara’s phone was ringing just before she succeeded in calling Terry.
It was from Terry! Sara could not believe it. She picked up the phone immediately.
“Hello,”
“Hey, birthday girl!”
Terry’s voice sounded happy and enthusiastic. But Sara was wrapped in her own mind that she did not realize that. She did not even realize that it was not like Terry to call her on her birthday. He never called her just to say ‘happy birthday’.
So, Terry and Sara ended up saying, at the same time:
“I got something to tell you!”
Terry laughed.
“Okay, you first, birthday girl. What seems to be the ‘birthday problem?’“.
“No, you first. My story is not … anyway, you first”
Sara thought she might be able to embrace the moment.
“Sara, you’re not going to believe this,”
I’m getting married next month!!!! What do you think? Could you spend some time and come to the wedding?”

Sara could not say anything. Suddenly her world went dark again. She did not even know how to feel. She felt numb. A song went through her head again. It was a song that represented her feelings for Terry. The ones she tried so hard to erase, yet never succeeded.

Hanging the phone unconsciously, ignoring Terry’s questions, Sara closed her eyes.
As she felt a burning sensation in her eyes, she sang the song and said:

“What am I to you?”
Sara said to herself with a mocking smile.
“Nothing…I guess.”

THE END

***

You asked me

You asked me,

what I see in you

why I can’t let go of you

why I risk it all for you

and why

all my senses go numb when you are away?

Taken aback, I asked my heart

Am I stupid?

No, it said.

Am I blind?

No, it answered.

Am I deaf?

No, it whispered.

What then?

It just smiled and pointed out:

When one sees a soul ever so beautiful,

ever so kind,

sweet

that you can’t even find words to describe.

Pure and perfect in its most imperfect ways.

How can one just walk away?

And when one does, only then you can say

She is stupid,

She is deaf,

and she is blind

for letting go of something that others can only dream about

and won’t even believe it exists.

For God thinks a miracle is a special thing.

That’s why he doesn’t flaunt it, He grants it.

And that’s what you are to me.

A miracle from God.

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